West Wing - 201 - In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 1 Josh: The Democrats aren't gonna nominate another liberal, academic, former governor from New England. I mean, we're dumb, but we're not that dumb. Leo: Nah, I think we're exactly that dumb. West Wing - 201 - In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 1 Nurse: Do you have any medical conditions? Bartlet: Well, I've been shot. West Wing - 202 - In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2 Toby: I tried calling you at your office. They said you were fired. Were you stealing things? C.J.: Roger Becker dropped from third most powerful person in Hollywood to ninth most powerful person in Hollywood. Toby: Does he still make the playoffs or is the cutoff line C.J.: They take it seriously. West Wing - 202 - In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2 Toby: Come join the campaign. C.J.: How much does it pay? Toby: How much were you making before? C.J.: $550,000 a year. Toby: This pays $600 a week. C.J.: So, this would be less. West Wing - 202 - In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2 Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good. Leo: You can sign the President's name? Margaret: Yeah. Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else? Margaret: Yeah. Or do you think the White House Counsel would say that's a bad idea? Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say that's a coup d' tat. Margaret: I'd probably end up doing some time for that. Leo: I would think! And what the hell are you doing practicing the President's signature? Margaret: It's just for fun. Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill. West Wing - 203 - The Midterms CJ: Holy interruptus, Batman! West Wing - 203 - The Midterms C.J.: Sometimes in a democracy other people win. West Wing - 203 - The Midterms Bartlet: I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you, but the polls in the East don't close for another hour, and there are plenty of election results still left to falsify. West Wing - 203 - The Midterms Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination. Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does. Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus. Jacobs: 18:22. Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important, because we've got alot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions would you? One last thing, while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits. West Wing - 204 - In This White House Ainsley: Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in. (She stands up) Leo: Where are you going? Ainsley: I'm not going anywhere. I'm standing up which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world. Leo: Well, you go girl. West Wing - 204 - In This White House Leo: (closes the door) Were you offered coffee or something to drink? Ainsley: Yes, the woman who works out there, who I imagine is your secretary, offered me coffee or something. Leo: Okay. Ainsley: She was also kind enough to ask for my coat. Leo: Excellent, and... Ainsley: She seems to be a very good secretary. Leo: She'll be happy to hear that, she's standing right outside the door. (He thumps his hand on the door.) Margaret (Voiceover): Ow. West Wing - 204 - In This White House Leo (arriving in the doorway of C.J.'s Office): The two of you, come take a walk with me. (They all walk out into the bullpen.) Sam: What's going on? Leo: (turning to face them) I wanted to tell you this out where there were people so you wouldn't scream about it. C.J.: Scream about what? Leo: The woman who was on Capital Beat with Sam Sunday night. Sam: What about her? Leo: I'm offering her a job. Sam: (sharply) Where? Leo: Here. C.J.: Are you kidding? Leo: No. C.J.: Are you kidding? Leo: (more firmly) No. C.J.: (getting louder) Are you kidding? Leo: No. C.J.: WELL, WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK I WOULDN'T SCREAM WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE?! (Everyone turns to stare.) Leo: I took a shot. Sam and C.J.: (shrieking in unison) Leo! West Wing - 204 - In This White House Leo: You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that? Ainsley: It's a nervous condition. Leo: I used to have a nervous condition. Ainsley: Really? How did yours manifest itself? Leo: I drank a lot of scotch. Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much. Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much West Wing - 204 - In This White House Bartlet: Charlie, I want to hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here, she's a conservative Republican. Do you think I should do it? Charlie: Absolutely, Mr. President. 'Cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion. West Wing - 204 - In This White House Sam (debating Ainsley Hayes on Capitol Beat): Please, oh please, let them not be watching. Josh (back at the White House): Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl. Toby: Ginger, get the popcorn. West Wing - 205 - And It's Surely to Their Credit Ainsley: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated. Lionel: Well not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction. West Wing - 205 - And It's Surely to Their Credit Ainsley: I just want to die. Leo: Oh, it's the White House. You'll get used to that feeling. West Wing - 205 - And It's Surely to Their Credit Bartlet (attempting to record the radio address): Sorry everybody, this is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number. Donna: This is take five, sir. Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. Fifth-take-Bartlet, that's what Jack Warner used to call me. Donna: Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President? Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old. Donna: Okay West Wing - 205 - And It's Surely to Their Credit Abbey (about where they can have sex): How about our bedroom? Bartlet: New Hampshire is an hour and a half by plane, Abbey. I don't have that kind of time. Abbey: How about our bedroom in the residence? Bartlet: YES! We have a bedroom right here in the building! That was so smart! Abbey: Yes. Bartlet: Let's go! Abbey: Jed! Korea, plutonium? Bartlet: Oh God, I HATE plutonium! West Wing - 205 - And It's Surely to Their Credit Jed (about Nellie Bly's 72-day world tour): She sounds like an incredible woman, Abbey. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes twenty-one thousand leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her. Let's have sex. West Wing - 206 - The Lame Duck Congress Ainsley: You want me to summarize your recommendation and give it to the President. Sam: Yeah, then I want you to skip to Tijuana in a Dirndl skirt. West Wing - 206 - The Lame Duck Congress Sam: I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help so let's not make a federal... Ainsley: [into her phone] Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help. Sam: Put the phone down. Ainsley: [into her phone] Gotta go, dad, I need to help Sam. Sam: That must have rolled them in the aisles back in Georgia. Ainsley: I'm from North Carolina. Sam: Wherever it was you studied baton twirling. Ainsley: That'll be Harvard Law School. West Wing - 206 - The Lame Duck Congress Bartlet: Charlie! Charlie: Yes, sir? Bartlet: Could I have a couple of aspirin? Or a weapon of some kind to kill people with? West Wing - 207 - The Portland Trip C.J.: Excuse me, I have to go look like an idiot. West Wing - 208 - Shibboleth C.J. (Attempting to get the attention of Bartlet): I m gonna step out there and begin the singing and lute playing. Bartlet: (Paying little attention) Whatever. West Wing - 208 - Shibboleth Bartlet (addressing the turkey): By the power vested in me by the Constitution of the United States, I hereby pardon you. Morton: Okay! Bartlet: No, it's not okay! Morton, I can't pardon a turkey. If you think I can pardon a turkey, then you have got to go back to your school and insist you be better prepared to go out in the world. Donna: You can't pardon a turkey, sir? West Wing - 208 - Shibboleth C.J.: Whatever! I'm the Thanksgiving cruise director around here! West Wing - 208 - Shibboleth C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The more photo-friendly of the two gets a presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo, and the runner-up gets eaten. Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch. West Wing - 208 - Shibboleth Donna: Didn't you go to elementary school? C.J.: Yes, right before being a National Merit Scholar! West Wing - 209- Galileo Mallory: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars? Sam: Yes. Mallory: Why? Sam: Because it's next. For we came out of the cave, and we looked over the hill, and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean, and we pioneered the West, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on the timeline of exploration, and this is what's next. West Wing - 209- Galileo C.J.: Everyone's stupid in an election year, Charlie. Charlie: No, everyone gets treated stupid in an election year, C.J. West Wing - 209- Galileo Bartlet: Modern music sucks. Anything written after 1860 sucks. Charlie: Samuel Barber's Symphony No. 2. Bartlet: Sucks. Charlie: Stravinsky's Variations on a Theme. Bartlet: Sucks. Charlie: Schoenberg's Enlightened Night for String Orchestra. Bartlet: Totally blows! West Wing - 210- Noel Josh (about his session with Dr. Keyworth): He thinks I have an eating disorder. And a fear of triangles. That's not weird, is it? West Wing - 210- Noel Leo: This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up: "Hey, you! Can you help me out? " The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up: " Father, I'm down in this hole. Can you help me out? " The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by: " Hey, Joe, it's me. Can you help me out? " And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here. " The friend says: "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out. " West Wing - 210- Noel C.J.: You see, you try very hard to be mean, but then you see that being nice is better. Bernard: You're a freakishly tall woman. C.J.: So, that moment's over, then? Bernard: Yes. West Wing - 210- Noel C.J.: What is the painting doing in the White House? Bernard: It was on loan from the Mus e D'Orsay to the National Gallery. The President, on a visit to the National Gallery -- and possessing even less taste in fine art than you have in accessories -- announced that he liked the painting. The French government offered it as a gift to the White House, I suppose as retribution for Euro Disney. So here it hangs, like a gym sock on a shower rod. West Wing - 210- Noel Bernard: There's always an incident on a tour. People touch things. C.J.: You should punish them for that. Bernard: I've begged my superiors to allow me. West Wing - 210- Noel Bernard: C.J., your necklace is a monument to bourgeois taste. C.J.: Thank you. Bernard: You're welcome. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Donna: Josh, this was delivered by messenger. Josh: What is it? Donna: (Holding the envelope in front of her face) It's ... Wait, wait. No, damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Leo: Shake my hand. (Leo and Toby shake hands.) We just formed it. Toby: Formed what? Leo: The Committee to Re-elect the President. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Charlie: Mr. President, I don t know if this is the right moment... Bartlet: The right moment for what? Charlie: Donna Moss needs a favor. While talking last night to Karen Cahill, she accidentally dropped her underwear. She feels that there s a chance Karen Cahill may have misinterpreted that and Donna asked me to ask you if you would call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn t making a sexual advance. Bartlet: Well, I m not sure there is a right moment for you to ask me that, Charlie. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Bartlet: Who s the next meeting? Charlie: Kim Woo of Singapore. You want the cheat sheet? Bartlet: I don t need a cheat sheet. Kim Woo, he won a bronze medial for fencing, he s a Buddhist, and he enjoys European History. You see Charles even though it s a handshake, I m able to make him feel like a friend and that s a little thing they call people skills. Charlie: Kim Woo s a woman, sir. Bartlet: The man s an Olympic athlete, Charlie. I wouldn t say that to his face West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast C.J.: Carol, did the President say that the stats were even more staggering right here, in Washington, D.C.? Carol: Yeah. C.J.: Would you remind me to clarify that? Carol: Why? C.J.: He was in Louisville, Kentucky, when he said it West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Donna: You re not using lighter fluid or anything are you? Josh: No... no flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire, ever. Sam: (Sam enters as Donna begins to leave) Found it! Josh: What? Sam: Kerosene. Donna: (whips around) Josh... West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Bartlet: Did you know it's bad luck to toast with water? Charlie: I didn't. Bartlet: Yeah, you don't want to make a toast with water. Charlie: Should we go, sir? [about to leave] Bartlet: From Greek mythology, I'm almost sure. You lose your spirit. Charlie: To what? Bartlet: [continues reading] Hmm? Charlie: To what do you loose your spirit? Bartlet: That's a great question Charlie and I could tell you, but I think it's better if you look it up on your own. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast Josh: I'm holding... your underwear... in my hand... right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name sewn in the back, which is obviously something we'll spend some time talking about at a later date. West Wing - 211 - The Leadership Breakfast C.J.: Why were you holding women's underwear before? Josh: Never needed a reason before... West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Mrs Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves. Leo: In your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket. Mrs Landingham: Sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit. West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Donna: Is it true that Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury? Josh: Why? Donna: A reporter asked me. Josh: What's a reporter doing talking to you? Donna: He's a friend of a friend. Josh: Leo McGarry has nothing but respect and affection for Lord John Marbury. Donna: That's what I said. Josh: Good, because Leo thinks he's a lunatic. West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Bartlet: You know what you are? You are the Charlie Brown of missile defense. The Pentagon is Lucy. Leo: I'm not familiar with the reference. Bartlet: Peanuts. Charlie Brown. Leo: I've heard of them. I'm just not conversant in them. Bartlet: Why? Leo: I've never read the comics. Bartlet: Leo, were you born at age 55? Leo: I know there's a dog... Bartlet: Charlie Brown wanted to kick a football and Lucy would hold it, except she'd pull it away at the last minute and Charlie Brown would fall on his butt. Leo: That's funny? Bartlet: No, but each time Lucy would find a way to convince Charlie Brown that this time she wouldn't pull the ball away. But she would, and once again, Charlie Brown would fall on his butt. Leo: And that's funny? Bartlet: It's satirical. Leo: What's it satirizing? Bartlet: The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room every time they run a new missile test so that you'll come to me and tell me how great it works so I'll put money in the NMD system. West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Bartlet: Sweden has a one hundred percent literacy rate, Leo. One hundred percent! How do they do that? Leo: Well, maybe they don't, and they also can't count. West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Josh: You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the sixty billion dollars to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us? Bartlet: It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council. Josh: I know, I feel they're missing an important voice. West Wing - 212 - The Drop In Lord Marbury: You've forgotten that it doesn't work. Leo: You know what I haven't forgotten? Lord Marbury: What? Leo: That we opened up a big can of whupass on you at Yorktown! West Wing - 213 - Bartlet's Third State of the Union Josh: Joey... can I ask you what may be a silly question? Joey (Kenny): Sure. Josh:It s not possible is it for us to just open one of these computers with a screwdriver and get the numbers that are in there, right? Joey (Kenny) : Why would you think that would be a silly question? West Wing - 213 - Bartlet's Third State of the Union Sam: Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second? Ainsley: Adrenaline? Sam: Yeah. You re feeling it right now and it s gonna get even more cause it s a big night, and you were a hit and you ve never experienced anything like this. Ainsley: And you think I m going to have a nutty. Sam: I m saying don t drink until you re off television. Ainsley: God! Thanks Sam for that debating tip. You have a feel for nuances. You say I shouldn t be drunk when I m representing the White House. Sam: Yeah. And remember you re a blond, Republican girl and that nobody likes you. West Wing - 213 - Bartlet's Third State of the Union Josh: Where the hell have you been? Joey: My plane had mechanical difficulties. Josh: This is the State of the Union. There was nothing you could do about it? Joey: No, because as a child I never paid attention during airplane mechanics class. West Wing - 213 - Bartlet's Third State of the Union Bartlet: What's up? I never even knew we had a nightclub down here! West Wing - 214 - The War at Home Josh: Numbers don't lie. Joey (Kenny): They lie all the time. They lie when 72% of Americans say they're tired of a sex scandal while all the while newspaper circulation goes through the roof for anyone featuring the story. If you polled 100 Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you'd get a high positive response, but the poll wouldn't tell you it's because she likes you, she knows it's beginning to show and she needs to cover herself in misdirection. West Wing - 214 - The War at Home Josh: Last night at the phone bank Donna kept telling me I should ask Joey Lucas out. Sam: You should. Josh: Fine, but putting that aside, what do you think of Donna being the one pushing it? Sam: I don't think anything. Josh: You don't think she'd be jealous? Sam: She goes out with guys, are you jealous? Josh: No. Sam: See? Josh: I don't get jealous... Sam: So Josh: I don't like it. I usually do everything in my considerable powerful capabilities to sabotage it, which is why it's curious that Donna would do nothing to discourage, and in fact do everything to encourage a date with Joey Lucas, who is quite frankly a very attractive woman. West Wing - 214 - The War at Home Bartlet: Damn it! How the hell did it happen? Leo: It was bad intelligence, sir. Bartlet: YOU THINK? Leo: Ferente left behind a radio and a soldier at the outpost. And they were deliberately sending us misinformation. Bartlet: We never anticpated they somebody might try that? We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated it's an entire generation behind "Hey look, your shoelaces are untied!?" IS THAT HOW I JUST LOST NINE GUYS, TO A DAMN STREET GANG WITH A HAM RADIO!? West Wing - 214 - The War at Home Leo: How you doing, Ainsley? Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet. Leo: Ok. Well, now I am, too. Sam: Tell her it's going to be fine. Leo: Your skirt's on backwards. West Wing - 214 - The War at Home West Wing - 215 - Ellie CJ: This guy's trying to get a little bit of free media by screwing with us. I'm the enforcerer, Sam. I'm gonna crush him, I'm gonna make him cry and I'm gonna tell his Mama about it! West Wing - 215 - Ellie (Charlie discusses the President's movie options.) Charlie: He would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaged in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island chruch. Mrs Landingham: Charlie, please don't use the word "erotic" in the Oval Office. West Wing - 215 - Ellie Bartlet: I hear you re thinking about ophthalmology. Ellie: Oncology. Bartlet: Why would you want to study people s feet? Ellie: That s podiatry. Bartlet: That s children s medicine. Ellie: Pediatrics. Bartlet: I thought it was obstetrics. Ellie: That s pregnant women. Bartlet: And what s the study of feet? Ellie: Dad, you re not going to make me laugh. Bartlet: The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day. West Wing - 215 - Ellie Margaret (to Dr. Griffith): Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats? West Wing - 215 - Ellie Dr. Griffith: Well, you know, Josh, just because the White Supremacists didn't kill you, doesn't mean that that crap you eat isn't gonna. West Wing - 215 - Ellie Josh: All right. First things first what time is it in Tokyo? Toby: They re fourteen hours ahead. Josh: I thought it was thirteen. Toby: Eastern daylight. Josh: So it s fourteen hours ahead. Toby: Yes. Josh: Are we sure it s ahead, and not behind? C.J.: Guys, there are clocks on the wall. West Wing - 215 - Ellie Josh: He's gonna land in Washington an hour before he took off. Sam: Yeah. Josh: That story doesn't beat the Surgeon General?