Friends Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler Monica: Not at these prices. Friends Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. Friends Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for. Friends [In response to a stupid comment] Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance. Friends Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived. Friends Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal! Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it! Friends [after Monica gets a disastrous haircut] Ross: How's Monica? Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross: How's the hair? Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey: Can we see her? Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in. Friends Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year. Joey: What? Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey... Joey: Phoebe. Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals. Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious. Friends Chandler: Oh, yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last... twelve hundred times. Friends Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress. Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress. Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then. Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck. Friends Rachel: Wha... married? Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married! Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything? Friends Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Friends Amy: You know what would be great? If you guys died! Ross: Thank you, Amy! Friends Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will. Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other. Friends Ross: So what are you up to? Will: I'm a commodities broker. Ross: Really? That sounds interesting? Will: Yeah, no, it's not but I'm rich and thin. Friends Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole." Joey: Okay. [He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave] Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair. Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE. Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Friends Phoebe: [Phoebe is looking at an apartment across the street] Look, Rachel, you can see into your apartment. What's going on? What are Chandler and Monica doing? Rachel: I don't know. Phoebe: My, God! They're taking their clothes off! Oh, my God, they're having sex! Chandler naked! My eyes, my eyes! I can't see! I'm blind! Friends Phoebe: [Phoebe has been hired to sing in a children's program at the library] Oh, Grandma is a person that everyone likes, / She bought you a toy train and a bright shiny bike, / But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, / The last time you saw her she looked a lot thinner. Now your parents told you she moved to Peru, / but the truth is she died and someday you will too. Friends Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday you'll want to sleep with people so they'll like you, / But that's another thing you won't want to do, you won't want to do. Everybody, you won't want to do, you won't want to do. Monica: Excellent! Chandler: Very informative! Rachel: Not at all inappropriate! Friends Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I'm getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me Friends Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross: No thanks, I'm 29. Friends Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club? Will: Me and Ross.. Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is. Rachel: Ross! Who else? Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was. Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this? Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door? Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes. Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief. Friends Monica: Phoebe, you know what I'm thinking? Phoebe: OK [thinks a moment] Phoebe: You haven't had sex in so long that you wonder if they have changed it? [notices the look on Monica's face] Phoebe: Not even close, huh? Monica: No, but now that you've mentioned it, that is what I'm thinking. Friends Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China. [notices Rachel has brought flowers] Ross: What are those? Rachel: Oh, these? [begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie] Rachel: These are for you; welcome to our country. Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York. Friends Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first! Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on? Ross: Mine. Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed. Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed? Ross: Well then who was on my bed? Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ross: No! No! No! Monica: Yes! Ross: You were under the pile of coats? Monica: I was the pile of coats. Ross: Oh my god! Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser? Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler: What did I marry into? Friends Chandler: Great. Now we can go to the Ranger game. That was last night. Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets. Friends Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits. Friends Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today? Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way. Friends Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed. Chandler: You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets! Friends Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross: That is correct. Joey: The Irish jig guy? Chandler: His legs flay about as if independent from his body! Friends Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there! Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys! Friends Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent. Joey: Right! And when is that deal? Chandler: First of the month. Joey: And that's every month? Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here. Friends Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to the desk by Rachel's boss] You know what, Chandler? You got yourself into those 'cuffs, you get yourself out. Chandler: I can't! You must have me confused with "The Amazing Chandler!" Friends Ross: We were on a break! Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you! Friends Chandler: [after Rachel opens Ross's gift] Oh, c'mon Ross. Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: [long pause as he realizes what he just said. Clears throat. Pauses] Crystal duck. Rachel: No. No. No. The um… the love part. Friends Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing! Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! Friends Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass! Friends Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used. Friends Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping. Rachel: Oh. Oh, my God. Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure! Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out! Friends Ross: What are you doing tonight? Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No. Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up? Friends Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know. Friends Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you. Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here! Friends Ross: So do you have any cats that are very old or increadibly sick? Julie: Ross... I don't want one that's about to die... Ross: Oh well, we should've discussed this before we came down here Julie: Ok Ross, look I'm gonna narrow it down to this one over here... and this one with the stripes... You pick... Ross: Woah, woah... I... I have to pick? Julie: Yeah sure which ever one you want Ross: [Looks back and forth between the cats and scratches his head] Well, I don't know, you know it's not that easy to choose... both cats are-are beautiful... and... funny... I'm sure I'd be happier with either cat... Julie: Well do you wanna take both? Ross: Both? Both?... I can't have TWO cats!... Joey's the kind of guy that can have two cats... Friends Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex? Friends Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker? Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy. Friends [Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room] Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you? Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other. Friends Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it. Friends [Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair] Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it. Monica: How who wears it? Phoebe: Demi Moore Monica: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh. Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Phoebe: Oh, OH. Monica: OH MY GOD. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore? Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST. Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. Monica: I KNOW. Friends Joey: Here it is, buddy boy. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh, my God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear. Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Friends Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. [to Rachel] Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks. Monica: That is the unusual activity. Friends Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name. Friends Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review? Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas. Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct. Friends Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine? Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there. Monica: No. Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong" Chandler: Ms. Chanandler Bong. Friends Reporter: I like that. what's your name? [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe] Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate. Friends [repeated line] Ross: We were on a break! Friends Ross: [talking to Emma in her crib] ...And that's why no matter what Mommy says we were on break! Friends Rachel: Honey what are you doing here? Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her? Jill Green: Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it. Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off. Rachel: Wow. What did he say? Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer. Friends Ross: What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER. Friends Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games. Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler: No. Ross: Then you are neither of your parents. Friends Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up. Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original? Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal. Friends Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo." Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy. Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room? Friends Monica: My motto is get out before they go down. Joey: That is so not my motto. Friends Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute. Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple. Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man. Friends Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Friends [In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel] Ross: I don't... Rachel? Joey: Ross... Ross: Rachel? [Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him] Gunther: RACHEL? Friends Julie: [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick. Chandler: Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area? Julie: Sorry. Friends Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time! Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time. Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man! Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding. Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man! Friends [Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain] Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die! Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before Friday. Joey: But I don't wanna die. Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys! Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower? Chandler: That's my girlfriend! Joey: Hey, I'm dead! Friends Joey: [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'. [notices Rachel is also laughing] Joey: Erectus? Rachel: [stifling laugh] No, 'homo'. Friends Joey: Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?... STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones! Ross: But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again [Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress] Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! Friends [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] Monica: Sex! Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster. Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you. Chandler: It's like a big hug. Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food? Ross: Sex! Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs? Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice. Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick? Joey: I don't know it's too hard. Rachel: Come on, you have to answer. Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread! Friends [after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together] Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women... Friends [Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross] Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home? [Ross enters with his gift for Mona] Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here. Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day. [Mona stares angrily at Ross] Ross: Or, something to remember me by... Friends Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything. Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to. Friends [Ross is given medicine for anger management] Chandler: What did they give you? Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore. Friends Joey: [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor] All right, what are we having? [takes out a fork and starts to eat with them] Friends [Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding] Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it? Monica, Chandler: Yeah. Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. [Monica and Chandler look impressed] Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive. [later] Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready? Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here. Monica: How bout receiving? Joey: Yes! Friends [after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom] Joey: I'll just go pee in the street. Friends Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh, no! Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs. Friends Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. Friends Joey: And you call yourself an accountant? Chandler: ...No. Friends [Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes] Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996. Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen. Rachel: Huh? Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel: If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad. Friends [Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed] Joey: Aw, man. He took the five of spades. [looks through deck] Joey: No, here it is. Friends Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Yeah, sure. Rachel: How about you, Phoebe? Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one. Friends [when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf] Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey: No. I had sex in high school. Friends [a nurse just asked Monica out, Chandler gets jealous] Monica: Sure, can't wait [Nurse walks by] Chandler: How's about me and you, Saturday night? Nurse: No. Chandler: Ok very nice. Friends [Chandler's key broke in Monica's door] Chandler: I love you. Monica: I love you too. Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now? Monica: Um... no? Chandler: Uh... yeah, yeah, me neither. Friends Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey: Way to be strong, man. Friends Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you? Monica: No. Barry and Mindy. Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross. Friends Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means. Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code? Friends Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT? Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident? Friends Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT." Friends [Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent] Rachel: What's that? Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough. Friends Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard. Friends Joey: Want some jam? Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard. Friends Monica: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in. Richard: I didn't need to know that. Friends Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, [points to Ross] Monica: married a lesbian, [points to Rachel] Monica: left a man at the altar, [points to Phoebe] Monica: fell in love with a gay ice dancer, [points to Joey] Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, [points to the box Chandler's in] Monica: live in a box! Friends [Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms] Chandler: Condoms? Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world. Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that? Friends [Monica looks fat in an old home movie] Monica: The camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you? Friends Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. Monica: Me too. Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours... Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering? Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature. [they get up] Monica: Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room. Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill. Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on. Friends Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave. Chandler: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's? Friends [about Ross' new baby] Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these. Chandler: I know. I still am one of these. Friends [Doing a crossword puzzle] Ross: Heating device. Phoebe: Radiator. Ross: Five letters. Phoebe: Rdatr. Friends Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey: Everyday use... Chandler: Fancy... Joey: Guest... Chandler: Fancy Guest... Ross: Two seconds. Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven. Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct. Friends Chandler: [dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back. Monica: Don't you still have to pee? Chandler: That's why I'm dancing. Friends Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there. Friends [In response to one of Joey's stupid comments] Chandler: How do you not fall down more often? Friends [Carol is nursing Ben] Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it. Friends Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us." Friends Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger? Friends Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech. Friends Phoebe: [as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"] Ross: Oh no, no stop cleansing my aura... Phoebe: But... [continues] Ross: No just leave my aura alone... OK? Phoebe: Fine... be murky... Ross: I'll be fine... really you guys, I hope she'll be very happy... Monica: No you don't... Ross: No I don't! To hell with her! She left me! Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: [stares at Joey... ] No! OK? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... [everyone stares at Chandler] Chandler: ... Did I say that out loud? Friends Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing. Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit? Friends Chandler: Gum would be perfection. Friends [Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship] Monica: Can't we tell your parents first? Richard: They're both dead. Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky. Friends Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were *homo* sapiens, is that why they're exctinct? Ross: Joey, they are people. Joey: Hey, I'm not judging. Friends Ross: Wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Friends [Ross and Joey's first meeting] Ross: [glum] My wife's a lesbian. Joey: Cool. Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross. Friends [Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."] Joey: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads. Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties? Friends Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference. Friends Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Friends Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckels, we're not making any noise. Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe. Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe. Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down. Friends Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [pause] Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? Friends Susie: Chandler Bing? Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. Chandler: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up. Friends Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it. Friends [Peering out the window] Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes." Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt. Friends [Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife] Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her. Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon. Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer. Friends [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica] Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh? Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here. Chandler: I hope he did. Friends Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to. Friends Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it. Friends Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that. Friends Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: I'd probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live. Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent. Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry. Friends [Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony] Chandler: Too many jokes. Must mock Joey. Friends Chandler: Men are here. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. Friends Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig? Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic. Friends Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr., Jr. Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third? Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies, and we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby. Phoebe: Oh, wow. That's so nice. Oh. Oh. Cougar. Alice: ...You think about it. Friends Chandler: From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So - you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Um... Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint. Joey: See ya later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. Clint. Joey: What's up with Gene? Friends Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John? Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney. Friends Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault. Friends Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. Chandler: Oh, my God. Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best... [crying] Monica: There's a reason why girls don't do this. Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes. Friends Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her. Joey: Tongue? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Cool. Friends Rachel: See? Unisex. Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago. Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex. Joey: I wouldn't say no to that. Friends Phoebe: She's dead. Frank Buffay: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake. Friends Monica: What is going on with you? Joey: Nothing. Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day. Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it. Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it." Friends [When asked if he knows anything about chicks] Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No. Friends Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay. Friends Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet? Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense... Chandler: MUCH sense? Friends Chandler: I got her machine. Joey: Her answering machine? Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up. Friends Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were? [to Ross] Will: So what do you do now? Friends [to Ross] Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year. Friends [Referring to Janice] Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day? Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush. [Janice enters Central Perk] Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine. Chandler: Hello, Just Janice. Friends Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing. Ross: Now that's two of my wives. Friends Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations? Ross: Not on the ones we sent out. Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed. Friends [Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart] Phoebe: You got a haircut. David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em. Friends Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like. Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives". Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you. Friends Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again. Rachel: So, just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem? Chandler: I can't seem to say good-bye. Friends Chandler: [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did. Ross: That's a duck. Chandler: That's a bad duck. Friends Joey: [mumbling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind. Friends Chandler: Stay... stay. Good fake dog. Friends Monica: Wow. You're a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women. Friends Ross: [while moving a sofa with Rachel and Chandler] Pivot. Pi-vot. PI-VOT. Friends Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel: A moo point? Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense? Friends Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now. Ben: Why? I want him to stay. Chandler: Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode... Friends [Chandler walks in] Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan. Friends [Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop] Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. [Joey looks disturbed] Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there. Friends [Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas] Joey: Hey Rach. How you doin'? Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'? Joey: Ross. Don't let her drink anymore. Friends [repeated line] Joey Tribbiani: How you doin'? Friends Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra? Joey: I don't have another level! Friends Ross: I went to the tanning place your wife suggested. Chandler: Was that place the sun? Friends [Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben] Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so! Ross: Is this true, Chandler? Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door? [Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there] Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one! [Chandler steps out] Friends Rachel: How do I ask a guy out? Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel: ewww Joey: [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing? Phoebe: [Giggles] Just fine. Friends Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you. Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks. Friends Frank Buffay Jr.: My sister's having my baby. Friends Rachel: Come on. You guys can pee standing up. Friends Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows. Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them? Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."? Friends [Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening] Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes. Monica: What kind of changes? Chandler: The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster. [Rooster crows] Chandler: We're getting second opinion. Friends Monica: Hey. Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? Friends [Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel] Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross: What? Chandler: [shyly] The sheep. Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time... Friends [Thanksgiving] Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for. Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having. Everybody: YEAH. Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs. Friends [about Ugly Naked Guy] Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming. Friends Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend. Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross. Friends Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it. Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. Friends [talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler] Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica: Oh, I already have one. Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. Friends Monica: Guys, hurry up. The flight leaves in four hours. It could take time to get a taxi. There could be traffic. The plane could leave early. When we get to London, there could be a line at customs. Come on. Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica Friends [bursts into Chandler's hotel room] Ross: [screaming] I'm getting married today. Whoo-hoo. Chandler: [with the covers pulled up to his chin] Morning, Ross. Ross: I'm getting married, to... day. Chandler: Yeah, you are. Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo. [he runs back out the door] Monica: [comes up for below the covers] Do you think he knew I was here? Friends [talking to Ross] Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. Friends Monica: You broke a little girl's leg? Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. [to Ross] Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish? Friends Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later? Chandler: I don't sound like that. Joey: Oh, yes you do. Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music. Friends Ross: So, how was your date with Mr. Millionaire? Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, from Expensive Playthings. Third wife sold separately. Friends [Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel] Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat. Friends Phoebe: [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song] And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it. [pause] Phoebe: I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes. Friends Chandler: Mental note - if Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it! Friends [Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work] Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time. Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum. Friends Ross: So, does it do something special? Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. Friends Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend. Chandler: So now you're not my friend? Ross: Not now. Chandler: All right. Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again? Ross: Yes. Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me... Friends [Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives] Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking... Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four? Friends Monica: [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler: That-that's bad? Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7. Friends [Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel] Ross: Your money is mine, Green. Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. Friends Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did. Jack Geller: Is that... Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did. Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did. Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Ross: MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER. Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN. Phoebe: I Love Jok Custou. Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. Joey: I WANNA GOOOOOOO. Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. Friends Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane. Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths. Friends [Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense] Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88. Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that? Friends [Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants] Ross: C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. Friends Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from. Friends [Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler] Monica: Oh my God. She knows about us. Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it. Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps... SHE KNOWS. Friends [after Chandler kisses Kathy] Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you. Friends Rachel: [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village. Friends Joey: [to Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food. Chandler: Of course there they'd just call it food. Friends Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer? Friends [Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape] Ross: You want to see it? Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey: Are we watching the tape or not? Friends Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather. Friends Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? Friends Joey: Va fa napoli. Friends [Rachel is upset about something] Phoebe: It's ok Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's your name. Phoebe: Oh. I thought that was just something we called each other. Friends Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend? Phoebe: A month. Monica: Really? I'd say two or three. Joey: Half hour. Rachel: Interesting. Friends [Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill] Rachel: Oh my God, Jill. Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel. Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us. Friends Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died? Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer. Friends Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel: Okay, you win. Friends Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? Chandler: All right. [on phone] Chandler: Yes, this is Rachel. Friends Joey: Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. Chandler: You've got waaaay too much free time. Friends [Ross's lame Halloween costume joke] Ross's date: Oh, my god. You're Spudnik. Chandler: [to Ross] Marry her. Friends Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones." Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones." Friends Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall... [Monica stares] Chandler: ...in exchange for money. Friends Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person. Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid. Friends Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything? Monica: I'll have a latte. Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf. Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little... Phoebe: You know I was just being polite. Friends [In Ross's apartment] Amy: Could I take this call upstairs? Ross: Sure... but we don't live there. Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor. Rachel: He has a Phd. Amy: Ewww... Friends Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma? Amy: I think so... [looks at Phoebe] Amy: Hi Emma. Phoebe: Phoebe. Amy: That's a funny noise. Friends Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks. Joey: Why? Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met. Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing. Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in. Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines. Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living. Joey: I know. Friends Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad. Rachel: Ok, what does he look like? Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry. Rachel: Ok... Friends Joey: [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel. [Rachel walks into the room] Rachel: Hey, sweetie. Joey: [thinking] I love you. Friends Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont. Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault. Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money. Friends Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo. Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name. Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French. Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent. Rachel: Ok, you got a better one? Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin. Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard. Phoebe: By Sandrine. Friends Dr. Harad: Hello, I'm Dr. Harad. I'm going to be delivering your babies. And by the way, I love Fonzie. Friends Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. [Joey giggles] Ross: What's so funny? Chandler: He thought you said "gonad". Friends [Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck] Chandler: Could we BE more white trash? Friends [in Richard's apartment] Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'. Joey: So? Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it... [Joey looks thoughtful] Chandler: Get there faster. [Joey thinks for a few seconds] Joey: Ohhhh. Friends [Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone] Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too? Chandler: No, I sent everyone home. Monica: You are such a good boss. Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy. Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name. Chandler: Well, yeah... Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma. Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma? Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the... Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking. Friends Chandler: So, I guess this is it. Monica: What's it? Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had. Monica: Why? Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean... Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have a relationship lasting longer than... Ohhhhh. Friends Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hottest couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex. Chandler: Monica, this is stupid. Just to prove them wrong you're willing to go and have hours and hours of sex. Oh, my God. Why am I saying no to this? Get your coat. Friends Monica: All right, I'm going to tell him that its not going to happen. [as she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory dance] Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE. Chandler: Got it. Friends Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING. Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. Friends Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you... [to Joey] Chandler: Well, except you. Friends [Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish] Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around? Friends [At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"] Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions? Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air. [Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica] Director: Yeah. Let's start. Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air? Friends [Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time] Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong. Joey: Or equally weak. Friends [Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead] Ross: So, did you bring Joey? Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing. [Chandler walks in] Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica. Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong. Friends [Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after Chandler] Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback. Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake. It turns out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was a girl after all. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that. Friends Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance. Friends [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Joey: He's grieving. [We see Chandler running outside] Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE. Friends Rachel: I had a baby. Amy: I decorated dad's office. Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. Friends Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. Friends Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom. Friends Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey: Well, I think we all learned something. Friends Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees. Friends Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you. [pause] Phoebe: Except for you, Joey. Friends Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals. Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops? Friends Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a [mumble] Phoebe: handlerrrrr. Friends Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong? Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it. Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."? Friends Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa. Phoebe: What thing about Santa? Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course. Joey: Ok, see you later. [leaves] Phoebe: Bye. [stares, terrified] Friends Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got? Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery. Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach? Rachel: 48. Chandler: Not bad. Joey? Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game. Ross: How many you got? Joey: 56. Friends Phoebe: You still love Rachel. Ross: No, I don't. Phoebe: You got married to her. Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey. Phoebe: [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni. Friends Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance. Ben: Thanks, daddy. Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy. Friends [Ross's cousin is very attractive] Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that? Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that. Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles. [reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap] Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related. Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out? Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow. [softly] Ross: Just like our children would be... Friends Cassie: Wow. You do a great Chandler. Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions. [laughs nervously] Ross: It's, uh, a hobby. Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me. Ross: Ye- No. Friends [On living alone] Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think. Friends [When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him] Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? Rachel: Not right now. Friends Chandler: [comes home] Hey. Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sidney Poitier? [laughs by himself] Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel... Friends Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie. Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line. [winks at Joey] Friends Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi. Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi? Chandler: DOES IT MATTER? Friends Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas. Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning. [Monicas stares at him] Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger? Friends Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces. Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one. Chandler: Yes, include more people in this. Friends [Joey is starring in a World War I epic] Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey: Really? Great. Friends Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we". Friends [Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents] Chandler: You look beautiful mom. Nora Bing: Thanks, dear. Charles Bing: Ahem. Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad. Friends [Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding] Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce. Friends Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe. Friends [Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards] Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel, that was a library card. [Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card] Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. Friends Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you. Friends Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight? Ross: Sure. Mona: Ok. Bye. Ross: Bye. Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed. Friends [Flashback scene, 3 years before the pilot] Phoebe: [looks through window] Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight. Friends Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself. Friends Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer. Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself. Phoebe: She was a drug dealer. Friends [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General. Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major? Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. Friends Ross: [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on. [gets second line] Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on. [returns to second line] Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend. [switches back to second line] Monica: Give me that. [into phone] Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house? [pause] Monica: Oh, hi mom. [starts throwing things at Ross] Friends Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Friends [after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward] Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. [long, awkward pause] Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me. Friends [to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore] Joey: I'm not Drake. Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica: Is this true? Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me. [Rachel throws water in his face] Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [Rachel throws water in his face] Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [Chandler throws water in his face] Friends Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange. Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. [pause] Chandler: I'll let myself out. Friends Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks. Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks". Friends [One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class] Chandler: So, who is she? Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous. Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer. Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man. Friends Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff? Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself. Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it? Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this? Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't. Friends Ross: I love marriage. Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O? Friends Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing" Friends Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler. Friends [Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it] Rachel: I will have the uh, [whispers] Rachel: side salad. Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of? Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? Friends Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this? Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up... [notices Monica's angry glare] Chandler: And now I wish I was dead. Friends [Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet] Joey: Do you have a bobby pin? Chandler: Wait. [runs hands through hair] Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl. Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one? Friends [In a Scottish Accent, on the phone] Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time. Friends Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail. Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why. Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents. Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures... Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right? Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good. Friends [In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker'] Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave? Lurker: Also Monday. Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab. Friends [In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room] Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. [There is a knock at the door] Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers. Friends Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced. Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married... Friends Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name. Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number... Friends Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Joey, Chandler: That's nice. Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me. Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield. Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby! Joey: He should take the sack? Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking. Friends Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet? Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in. Friends [Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend] Richard: I see your hair grew long. Monica: Yeah, like you always wanted to. I see you grew your mustache back. Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely. Chandler: [to Richard's date] It's a good thing you don't have a mustache. [laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand] Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. Friends [Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress] Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting. Friends Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy. Friends [Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish] Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish. Friends Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Friends [hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding] Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all people. Friends Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica: Ok, ten. Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else? Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws. Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the... Chandler: I'm begging you stop. Friends [Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy] Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler: For three years? Friends Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence. Friends Ross: Seriously? Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair. [she starts crying] Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks. Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie. Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. [pause] Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes. Friends [Ross looking at Monica's legs] Ross: Wow. Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs Friends Monica: [to Rachel, at the end of the pilot] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it. Friends [for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars] Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together. Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight. Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things. Friends Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you? Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me! Friends Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you. Friends Joey: Of course it was a line! Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed." Friends Ross: You-you-you-you [trying to remain in control] Ross: threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH! Friends Rachel: You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones! Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too. Friends Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that. Friends Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around. Friends Ross: So why don't you quit? Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat. Friends Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Friends [Dismissed from her gig at Central Perk, Phoebe is singing out in the street] Phoebe: [singing angrily] When I play, I play for me / I don't need your charity. [a passerby throws money on Phoebe's guitar case] Phoebe: [cheerfully] Oh, thank you! Friends Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom. Ross: Uh... why do you think that? Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case. Ross: So? Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee. [Everyone stares... ] Phoebe: Cats love fish! Friends Will: Look at her holding those yams. Those are our two worst enemies, Ross - Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates. Friends [Phoebe has a taste of "Mockolate"] Phoebe: Eww! Eww! That must be what evil tastes like! Friends Chandler: Do you know what's weird? Donald Duck never wear pants, but he's always in a towel when he gets out of the shower. Why? Friends [Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters] Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry. Friends Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. [Knock at door] Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Friends [Elizabeth is packing for spring break] Ross: I'm just here to be supportive, to make sure you're... [holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase] Ross: What is this? Elizabeth Stevens: A swimsuit. Ross: To wear in front of people? Elizabeth Stevens: Is that supportive? Ross: [holding up swimsuit] Is *this*? Friends Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose. Joey: Just flip the coin! Friends Steve: Tartlets?... Tartlets?... Tartlets?... the word has lost all meaning. Friends [last lines of the series] Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time? Monica: We've got some time. Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee? Chandler: Sure. Where? Friends Phoebe: [singing] The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her / And that's where hamburger comes from. Friends Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane. Friends Ross: Hi... Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself. Friends Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat! Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off Chandler: Oh how well you know me Friends Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class. Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym? Friends Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine! Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! Rachel: I've never done that Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE! Friends Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you... Ross: [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ] Friends Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in. Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle. Rachel: Settle what? Chandler: The Jamestown Settlement of Virginia! Friends Rachel: You learned some new moves. Ross: A friend at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke. Who's laughing now? Friends Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di... Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm. Friends Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler: Only if you order stuff... Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday? Joey: When's that? Ross: Tonight! Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening? Ross: You take your time. Friends Chandler: "Garge"? Ross: Nautical term Chandler: Cheating man! Friends Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel? Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight... Ross: [puts message in cupboard] Friends Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing? Ross: [Quickly picks up Chandlers braclet from the floor] Chandler: It's a... [goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away] Chandler: ... Yeah it's a little flashy... Ross: No no... no no... this isn't flashy enough for a good fella... Friends Phoebe: I just realized something. Joker is poker with a j... coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's "joincidence"... with a c. Friends Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, [trying to pronounce her name in French] Phoebe: Nestlé Toulouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse. Monica: Nestle Toll House? Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language. Friends [Chandler is afraid he's becoming like Mr. Heckles] Chandler: We were both on the same track. Sure, my train is thirty years behind, but the stops are all the same - Bittertown, Aloneville, Hermit Junction. Friends Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you? Rachel: [hesitating] Uhh, well, I got TiVo...! Dr. Leonard Green: [confused] What's TiVo? Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant! Friends Rachel: [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg. Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive. Friends Rachel: It's sick! Monica: Why is it sick? Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner. Friends Rachel: [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all. Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf. Friends Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable? Ross: I think he can be. Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night. Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life! Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997. Ross: I knew you were going to throw that at my face! She apologized and apologized. What more do you want? Phoebe: We want the last six years back! Ross: So do we! So do we! Coffee people: [looking at Ross] Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that. Friends Janice: It's a small world after all. Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce! Friends [Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first] Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. [kisses him on the cheek] Friends [Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross] Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. [Mr. Zelner looks shocked] Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils! Friends Amy: [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way. Rachel: Really? Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds. Rachel: Hips and thighs? Amy: Ass and face. Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins. Amy: She was. Carbs found her. Friends Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...? Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue. Friends Ross: [after trying to kiss his cousin] [thinking] Ross: Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER. [actually speaking to his cousin] Ross: I haven't had sex in a very long time. [thinking again] Ross: Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything. Friends Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I? Friends Ross: [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different? Richard: No. Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat? Richard: I have a little comb. Ross: Oh. And what do you call that? Richard: A moustache comb. Friends [Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding] Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America! Friends Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place? Chandler: Because the kids need shoes. Friends Joey: [shouts] Joey doesn't share food! Friends Phoebe: ...And I found 500 extra bucks in my account. Chandler: Ohhh, Satan's minions at work again! Friends Phoebe: [sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault! Friends Chandler: ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!" Friends Ross: Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin? Friends Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain. Joey: Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Oh... me too! Phoebe: Huh! I bet they're doing it! Friends [a beautiful women is checking out Chandler] Phoebe: [stands up] Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec... [clears throat and talks in a deep voice] Phoebe: Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. Friends Ross: [after seeing Joey looking over the wall into another bathroom stall] Uh, Joey, some people don't like that. Friends Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea? Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh. Joey: This man is my God! Friends Phoebe: [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month? Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me. Phoebe: Did not! Monica: Yes, you did. [puts on a seductive look] Monica: Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you. Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on. [blows Monica a kiss] Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on! Friends Phoebe: [Rachel has lied to her father about her upcoming marriage to Ross] I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah. Friends Monica: Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time! Chandler: You see that? Monica: Do you see this? [opens her mouth and stares] Monica: Duhhhhhh? Friends Monica: [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler] Darn it! There's no more soda. Chandler: I'll go get some. Monica: Really? Chandler: Well, I would, [shouts] Chandler: but I'm not your boyfriend! Friends Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat. Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true. Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie. Chandler: Why? What happened to him? Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that. Friends Ross: [Ross and Mona's intimate moment is interrupted by Rachel's father] Dr. Green? Dr. Leonard Green: All right, Geller; what do you mean getting my Rachel pregnant and then refusing to marry her? Ross: [looks at Mona and then back at Dr. Green] You know, this really isn't a good time. Friends Dr. Leonard Green: So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for, [points at Mona] Dr. Leonard Green: so you could hang around with this tramp! Mona: *Tramp*? Ross: Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green. Friends Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video! Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and… help me out, Monica. Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey! Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen. Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job. Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*. Friends Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain? Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat." Phoebe: I know her! Friends [Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike] Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay. Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more. Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs. Hannigan. Phoebe: No, that's not my name either. Monica: What did you change your name to? Phoebe: Princess Consuella Bananahammock. Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby. Friends Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live. Joey: All right! I got my own stalker! Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work. Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing. Friends Monica: Chandler, you're panicking... Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you? Friends Ross: I think it'll be a boy. Phoebe: I think it'll be a girl. Ross: Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl. Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball? Friends Monica: [Monica referring to her fancy new boots] See, Chandler? I'm getting a lot use out of them already. They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants... Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street corner and earn the money to pay for them. Friends [Chandler is in Tulsa for Christmas on business, and he is on the phone with Monica. He is alone with only one other female colleague, Wendy, and Monica is worried about it] Monica: What does she do there? Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me. Monica: She did what? Chandler: *Be-low* me! Friends Chandler: [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre] [thinks] Chandler: Just reach over and pick it up... [discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth] Chandler: There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*! [suddenly starts to gag] Chandler: And now you're choking. Jill Goodacre: [frowns] Are you okay? [Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]