001 - Serenity Zoe: I know somethin' ain't right. Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right we'd be in jail. 001 - Serenity Wash: I'm just the pilot. If we got boarded, I could always say I was flying the ship by accident. 001 - Serenity Wash Didn't (Patience) shoot you once? Mal: Why does everyone keep fixating on that? 001 - Serenity Mal: If anyone gets nosey, you know, just. . . shoot 'em. Zoe: Shoot 'em? Mal: Politely. 001 - Serenity Jayne: I don't understand why we didn't leave that sumbich in a pool of his own blood. Mal: We'd be dead. Can't get paid if you're dead. Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. 001 - Serenity Mal: I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that'll stop Kaylee from being so cheerful. Sometimes you just want to duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month. 001 - Serenity Simon: What do you pay him for? Mal: What? Simon: I was just wondering what (Jayne's) job was on the ship. Mal: Public relations. 001 - Serenity Book: Captain, do you mind if I say grace? Mal: Only if you say it out loud. 001 - Serenity Mal: How's business? Inara: None of yours. 001 - Serenity Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might want to look to that. 001 - Serenity Jayne: 10 percent of nothing is...let me do the math. Nothing, and nothing, carry the nothing.. 001 - Serenity Wash: Yes, yes. This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it. . . This Land. 001 - Serenity Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. 001 - Serenity Mal: Kaylee's dead. Simon: (after seeing Kaylee is fine) That man is psychotic. Wash: You are psychotic. Mal: No, you should've seen his face. Oh, I'm a bad man. 001 - Serenity Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain can you hear me? Mal: I'm standing right here. Jayne: You're coming in good and loud. Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here. 001 - Serenity Zoe: Sir, I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man (Wash) to tear all my clothes off. Wash: Work, work, work. 001 - Serenity Mal: You've only got to scare him. Jayne: Pain is scary. 002 - The Train Job Mal: Hell, this job I would pull for free. Zoe: Can I have your share? Mal: No. Zoe: If you die, can I have your share? Mal: Yes. 002 - The Train Job Zoe: Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire Fed squad sitting on this train? Mal: Doesn't concern us. Zoe: It kinda concerns me Mal: I mean that they're not protecting the goods. If they were, they wouldn't be letting people get past them. Zoe: You don't think that changes the situation a bit? Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun! Zoe: Sir. I think you have a problem with your brain being missing. 002 - The Train Job Zoe: Just have an image in my head of a guy hanging from the ceiling. Mal: I got an image of it not being me. 002 - The Train Job Niska: (about his torture victim) My wife's nephew. At dinner I am getting earful; there's no way out of that. 002 - The Train Job Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock. 002 - The Train Job Zoe: He's a psycho, you know. Niska. Mal: He's not the first psycho to hire us, nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us? 002 - The Train Job Simon: What are we doing? Kaylee: Crime. 002 - The Train Job (after killing the main thug) Mal: Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance... Second Thug: I get it. I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you. 002 - The Train Job (after Jayne shoots an opponent in the leg) Mal: Nice shot. Jayne: I was aimin' for his head. 002 - The Train Job Sheriff: (Mal's) story had kind of an odor to it. Inara: Yes. It's not the only thing about him that does. 002 - The Train Job Jayne: You can't change that by getting' all&"bendy." Wash: All what? Jayne: You got the the light from the console&to keep you lift you up. (chuckles) Oh, they shine like& little angels. Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep? 002 - The Train Job Zoe: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day looking for a quiet drink. Mal: Now this is a sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart. 002 - The Train Job Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle? Mal: That it was manly and...impulsive? Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't". 002 - The Train Job Mal: We're not thieves...but we are thieves. Point is, we're not taking what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here on in. You explain that's best for everyone. Ok? Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you will see is my blade. Mal: Darn. (kicks Crow into the turbine) 002 - The Train Job Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'till you understand who's in ruttin' command around here. 002 - The Train Job Mal: Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose? 002 - The Train Job Mal: They say never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious. 002 - The Train Job Mal: Wash, we got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss. 003 - Bushwhacked Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war? Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war. Harken: And your husband? Zoe: Fight with him sometimes too. 003 - Bushwhacked Mal: You tell me right now, little Kaylee. You really think you can (remove the booby-trap)? Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. (pause) I think so. Besides, if I mess it up, it's not like you'll be able to yell at me. 003 - Bushwhacked Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fella we ran into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears. Wash: You're a very "up" person 003 - Bushwhacked Wash: Oh my god! What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing?... Oh right, that would be me. 003 - Bushwhacked Inara: Who's winning? Simon: I can't really tell. They don't seem to be playing by any civilized rules that I know. Inara: Well, we're a long way from civilization. 004 - Shindig Mal: This duel is the result of the rules from your society, not mine Inara: You never follow the rules, no matter what society you're in! You don't even get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you are constantly getting in trouble! Mal: And you think following the rules will buy you a nice life even if the rules make you a slave! 004 - Shindig River: Sure, I got a secret. More than one. Don't seem likely I'd tell 'em to you now, do it? Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better than to talk to strangers. You're talking loud enough for the both of us though, ain'tcha? I've known a dozen like you. Skipped off home early, running graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lock down, but less than you claim. And you're what? Petty thief with delusions of standing? Sad, little king of a sad, little hill. 004 - Shindig Wash: Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone. 004 - Shindig Inara: (as a bar fight ensues) Love this place, I'll tell my friends. 004 - Shindig Mal: I don't like fellows that kill me. Not in general. 004 - Shindig Mal: Stay for a while, resupply. Sniff the air, we don't kiss the dirt. Zoe: I wasn't planning on the dirt kissing, sir. Wash: I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain. Jealous man like me. 004 - Shindig Inara: I like Atherton too, by the way. Mal: Well, sure. What's not to like? I'm liable to sleep with him myself. 004 - Shindig Wash: You are acting captain. Know what happens if you fall asleep now? Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over. Wash: That's right! 004 - Shindig Badger: (He) won't deal with me direct. He's taken an irrational dislike. Jayne: What happened? Did he see your face? 004 - Shindig Gentleman: What a lovely dress. It must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into it. Of course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again. 004 - Shindig Wash: Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross. 004 - Shindig Inara: As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back. 004 - Shindig Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op. Wash: Very exciting. I was going to watch. 004 - Shindig Mal: Mercy is the mark of a great man. (spares Atherton) I guess I'm just a good man. (pokes Atherton with his sword) Well, I'm alright. 004 - Shindig Jayne: What we need is a diversion. I say Zoe gets naked. Wash: No! Jayne: I could get naked...? Wash and Zoe: No! 004 - Shindig Mal: I never back down from a fight. Inara: Yes you do. You do all the time. Mal: Well...yeah, but not this one. 004 - Shindig Kaylee: Up until the punching it was a real nice party. 004 - Shindig Atherton: I accept. Mal: That's great! What?!? 004 - Shindig Mal: My job may be illegal, but at least it's honest. Inara: What?!? 004 - Shindig Kaylee: Is that him? Mal: That's the buffet table. Kaylee: How will we know unless we question it? Mal: Just don't make yourself sick. 004 - Shindig Jayne: (drinking tea) This ain't bad. Badger: There's a trick to it. Wood alcohol. Mal: So now we're favored guests, treated to beverages that make you blind. 004 - Shindig Zoe: If I'm going to wear a dress, I want one with some slink. Wash: You want a slinky dress, I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress? Jayne: I'll chip in. Zoe: (through her smile, to Jayne) I can hurt you 004 - Shindig Wash: What am I looking at - the girls or the clothes? Jayne: The girls. Zoe: The clothes, please. 004 - Shindig (sign over holographic pool table) Management Not Responsible for Ball Failure 004 - Shindig Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast. Wash: That's just cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all. Mal: Well, that happens, let me know. 005 - Safe Mal: I've gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienating folk is near miraculous. Simon: Yes, I'm very proud. 005 - Safe Simon and River's Dad: Language, young man. Young Simon: Sorry, Dad. The Independents attacked us with dinosaurs. Young River: Simon lost his head in the heat of battle. Simon and River's Dad: Since there were dinosaurs involved, I think we'll let it slide. 005 - Safe Young River: (playing "Alliance and Independents") We're in trouble. We got cut off. Young Simon: Cut off from what? Young River: Our platoon, Simon. We got outflanked by the Independent squad, and we're never going to make it back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism. Young Simon: That was fast. 005 - Safe Simon: I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk. 005 - Safe Book: I am a shepherd. Folks like a man of God. Mal: No they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged. 005 - Safe Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to twart God's will. Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. But it was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. 005 - Safe Mal: (trying to avoid cow deposits) This is the last time. The last time with cows. Hey, there's an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings? Zoe: I believe so, sir. 005 - Safe Inara: What is this? A duck? Kaylee: It's a swan. I like it. Inara: You do? Kaylee: Looks like it was made with, you know, longing. Made by a person who really longed to see a swan. Inara: Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description. 005 - Safe Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're out to receive on an Alliance ship, captain? Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean? Zoe: Sanguine: "Hopeful". Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody". Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it? 005 - Safe River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and they remember what they are. Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me? 005 - Safe Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller. Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles. 005 - Safe Doralee: A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, safe, a place where folks take care of each other. Simon: Mmmm, yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers. 005 - Safe Mal: It looks like we arrived just in the nick of time. What does that make us? Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir. Mal: Ain't we just. 005 - Safe Simon: So finally a decent wound on this ship and I missed out. 005 - Safe Patron: The girl's a witch. Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. So cut her the hell down. 005 - Safe Zoe: The captain'll come up with a plan. Kaylee: That's good, right? Zoe: Apparently you're not recalling some of his previous plans. 005 - Safe Jayne: ('reading' from Simon's journal) 'Dear Diary. Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever!' 005 - Safe Book: I might be needing a preacher. Mal: That's good, you just lay there and be ironic. 005 - Safe Jayne: Here we go. Mal: It never goes smooth. How come it never goes smooth? 005 - Safe Mal: (talking about cows) Milk and hay, three times a day, fed to them by beautiful women. Jayne: That was something to see. 005 - Safe Simon: I'm very sorry (River) tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows. Mal: I'm starting to think you have a little too much time on your hands, doctor. 005 - Safe Mal: You know, they move just as fast if you lead 'em. Jayne: I like smacking them. 005 - Safe Mal: Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. But I'd take it as a kindness if she didn't. River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems. Mal: See - morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet like.