Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Cordelia: So, you're from Hemery, right ? in LA ? Buffy: Yeah. Cordelia: Oh, I would kill to live in LA. That close to that many shoes. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Giles: A, a Slayer slays, a Watcher... Buffy: ...watches? Giles: Yes. No! He, he trains her, he, he, he prepares her... Buffy: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Buffy: Uh, Hi! Willow, right? Willow: Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move? Buffy: Why don't we start with, 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while. Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia? Buffy: I can't do both? Willow: Not legally. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there. Buffy: Great! (they stand up) It was nice to meet you. Xander: (unimpressed with himself) We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. Xander: Oh, hey! Hey, you forgot your... stake! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Joyce: Have a good time. I know you're gonna make friends right away, just think positive. Joyce: And honey? Joyce: Try not to get kicked out? Buffy: I promise. Joyce: Okay. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Buffy: Who are you? Angel: Let's just say...I'm a friend Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't need a friend Angel: I didn't say I was yours Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Xander (to Buffy) Can I have you? Uuhh, can I help you? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Principal Flutie: Welcome to Sunnydale! A clean slate, Buffy, that's what you get here. What's past is past. We're not interested in what it says on a piece of paper, even if it says... (reads) Whoa. Buffy: Mr. Flutie... Mr. Flutie: All the kids here are free to call me Bob. Buffy: Bob... Mr. Flutie: But they don't. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Xander: Can you help me out tonight, please, be my study buddy? Willow: Well, what's in it for me? Xander: A shiny nickel! Willow: Okay. Do you have 'Theories in Trig'? You should check it out. Xander: Check it out? Willow: From the library? Where the books live. Xander: Right, I'm there! See, I wanna change... Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Willow: Well& when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or or witty, or at all. I I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and& then I have to go away. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Cordelia: It's in the bad side of town. Buffy: Where's that? Cordelia: It's about a half a block from the good side of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Buffy: We can do this the hard way or... no there's just the hard way. Vampire: That's fine with me. Buffy: Are you sure? I mean we're talking about violence, adult languange, adult content. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Xander: I kind of had a problem with the math. Willow: Which part? Xander: The math. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Darla: Who the hell are you? Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief, I'm telling you! Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Giles: Something's coming, something, something... something is, is gonna happen here. Soon! Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Joyce: Are you, uh, going out tonight? Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club. Joyce: Oh. Will there be boys there? Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 101 Willow: I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Luke: You forget, metal can't hurt me. Buffy: There's something you forgot about, too. (she throws a music stand through a window behind Luke and bright light pours in) Sunrise! Luke: Aaaaaarrrrg... (he sees that the light is just a streetlight) Huh? Buffy: (driving a stake into Luke's back) It's in about nine hours, moron. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Luke (onstage at the Bronze): Ladies and gentlemen& there is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just wont do any good. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Buffy: So, Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse? Giles: How about the end of the world? Buffy: I knew I can count on you. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Willow: Ill put it on the computer search. If its in there itll turn up. Anything thatll lead us to vampires. Xander: And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot. Willow: Not like an idiot, just& standing. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Giles: So all the city plans are just open to the public? Willow: Uh, well, in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the City Councils security system. Xander: Someones been naughty. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Willow: Uh, this may be the dumb question, but shouldnt we call the police? Giles: And theyd believe us, of course. Willow: Well, we dont have to say vampires. We could just say that theres a bad man. Buffy: They couldnt handle it even if they did show up. Theyd only come with guns. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because were talking about vampires. Were having a talk with vampires in it. Willow: Isnt that what we saw last night? Buffy: No. No, those werent vampires. Those were just guys in thundering need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. And that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light. Thats exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire. Well, after I was done with the screaming part. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Cordelia: Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog. You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse? Buffy: I looked around, but soon's they got clear of the graveyard, they could have, voom! Xander: They can fly? Buffy: They can drive. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Giles: The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need. Xander: Except for one thing: how do you kill them? Buffy: You don't, I do. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Angel: Don't... go down there. Buffy: Deal with my going. Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it, the Master walks. Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest why don't you stop it? Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Willow: Oh, I, I need to sit down. Buffy: You are sitting down. Willow: Oh. Good for me. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Master: A Slayer! Have you any proof? Luke: Only that she fought me, and yet lives. Master: Hmm, very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened. Luke: 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 102 Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction. Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school! Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that. Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying. Giles: The Earth is doomed! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Buffy: Youre my Xander-shaped friend. Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander? Willow (to Xander): We gotta get her to a& Xander (to Willow): Let her speak. Buffy (to Xander): Ill tell you. Youre not like other boys at all. Xander: Well. Buffy: You are totally and completely one of the girls. (to Willow) Im that comfy with him. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Xander (referring to Cordelia): Okay, see how she has no clue that Im even a mammal, much less a human being? Willow: I see that. Xander: This is the Invisible Man Syndrome, blessing in Cordelias case, a curse in Buffys. Willow: Youre not invisible to Buffy. Xander: Its worse. Im just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but dont even really see. Willow: Like a pen thats all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you dont, not cause you like it so much more cause youre used to it& Xander: Well, yeah, that is the point. You dont have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Xander: Thats why youre so cool. Youre like a guy. Youre my guy friend that knows about girl stuff. Willow: Oh, great. Im a guy. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Giles: This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this& cult. (we see Buffy is wearing a cheerleading outfit) Buffy: You dont like the color? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Joyce:(about cheerleading) I'm glad you're taking that up again. It'll keep you out of trouble. Buffy: I'm not in trouble. Joyce: No, not yet. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pompoms at people. And as the Watcher I forbid it. Buffy: And you'll be stopping me how? Giles: Well, I... By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 103 Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Giles: Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having ones teeth drilled. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Buffy: And you need to record bat sonar, and fast. Giles: Bat sonar, right& What? Buffy: Bats eat them. A mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey. Giles: Where am I going to find& Buffy: In the Vid Library. There are no books, but its dark and musty. Youll feel right at home. Go. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Natalie: Should I change? Is this too& Xander: No, no. Its the most beautiful chest dress Ive ever seen. Natalie: Thank you. Thats sweet. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Cordelia (talking to the school counselor): It was& lets just say I havent been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, 7 ounces way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, Im not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight. Im just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side, you know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Xander: So, theres something else out there besides Silverware Man? Oh, this is fun. Were on Monster Island. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that cant, laugh at those who can do. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest. Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh...I mean, he's probably... Willow: ...gonna die! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 104 Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy? Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy. Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them. Buffy: Meaning? Giles: I hid. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger. Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, "I'm the Slayer, ask me how!" Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: Alright, I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 after Buffy kills a vampire and Giles finds a ring in its dust Buffy: Oh, that's great! I kill 'em, you fence their stuff. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Owen: I lost my Emily. Dickinson. It's dumb, but I like her around. Kind of a security blanket. Buffy: I have something like that. Well, it's an actual blanket. Uh, and I don't really carry it around anym-more... So! Emily Dickens, huh? She's great! Owen: Dickinson. Buffy: She's good also. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: That symbol on the ring... I believe it's the rune for fidelity, but it doesn't connect with any of the sects that I've studied. Buffy: What about this? On the inside. It's a sun and three stars. Haven't we seen that somewhere? Giles: Let me see. No, I don't think this represents any... Buffy: Wait, it's right here. Sun and three stars. Yuck, check these guys out. Told you it looked familiar. Giles: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you're right. Buffy: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Buffy: We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, and you're history! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master. Buffy: But cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: What do you want? Owen: A book? Giles: Oh! Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things. Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 105 Buffy: You see that guy over there at the bar? He came here to be with me. Angel: You're here on a date? Buffy: Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 106 Giles: I've been reading up on my animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards. Xander: Did you tell them that? Giles: Your secret dies with me. Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 106 Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or some ducks? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Cordelia: Where did you get that dress? This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? (checks the label) This is a knockoff, isn't it?! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements! Buffy: (to Xander) You think we have problems... Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? (Buffy looks away.) youre in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?! Cordelia: What?! Xander: (to Cordelia) Not vampire... (to Buffy) How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! (lifts it out, sees the bolts) Huh. Check out these babies. (takes out a bolt) Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot? Giles: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Cordelia: Ouch! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred-dollar shoes! Xander: I'm sorry, I was just... Cordelia: ...getting off the dance floor before Annie Vega's boyfriend squashes you like a bug? Xander: Oh, so you noticed. Cordelia: Uh-huh. Xander: Yeah, thanks for being so understanding. Cordelia: Sure. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Xander: (to Cordelia) You know, hey I don't know what everyone's talking about... that outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 107 Xander: What are you vixens up to? Willow: Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh look, a cockroach. (stomps cockroach) Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Ms. Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you? Buffy: We're literary. Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Giles: I'm, I'm just gonna stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the middle ages. Ms. Calendar: Did you ever leave? Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Buffy: I can just tell something is wrong--my spider sense is tingling. Giles: Your spider sense? Buffy: Pop culture reference...sorry. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Xander: (to Giles) You released Moloch? Buffy: (sarcastically) Way to go! Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Ms. Calendar: What is it? Giles: (trying to hide the apparently supernatural origin of a book) Uh, nothing, um, a diary, yes. I imagine that's what it is... Well, it's been so nice talking to you. Ms. Calendar: We were fighting. Giles: (distracted) Must do it again sometime, yes... Bye, now. Buffy The Vampire Slayer - 108 Buffy: You're a computer geek, (stops to rephrase herself) genius.