Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lindsay: Um, I forget their name, but I know they're hungry. I think some are thirsty. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: (showing Michael her fox scarf) Michael, look. Look what happened to my fox. Someone cut off it's little foot. Is it, is it noticeable? Michael: Well, you've got to remember you're going to be all splattered in red paint. That's gonna distract the eye. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Hasn't everything already sorta been discovered, by like, Magellen and Cortez? Buster: Oh yeah, yeah.... Michael: All those folks. Buster: Those guys did a pretty good job. But there's still ... you know ... Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Gay Protesters: We're here, we're queer, we wanna get married on the ocean! Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot (After George Sr. is put in jail) Michael: And Lindsay, I expected this from them because they're completely oblivious. But you, you should know better. (Michael walks away) Gob: Lindsay, he's really mad at you. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Narrator: And Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of jail. Michael: You love it here? George Sr.: Oh, I m having the time of my life. Hey, T-Bone. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lindsay: You ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean. Buster: Okay, okay, okay. (Pauses) Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot G.O.B.: So what? Lindsay s been staying at the Four Seas for, like, a month she s probably charging the company. Michael: Lindsay s been in town for a month? G.O.B.: I don t think so. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing. What comes first? George Michael: Breakfast. Michael: Family. George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant out of the things you eat. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Narrator: Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering C.P.R. to a person who, as it turns out, was not having a heart attack. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally. (Earlier that day) Lucille: I don't care for Gob. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him. George Michael: He should have been stocking up on those "get out of jail free" cards. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: (about George Michael) Well, I guess he really misses his family. Lindsay: Well, he doesn't know us very well. Michael: Yeah, clearly. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It's just it's too late. I'm truly sorry, but I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job. (long pause) It's something you apply for, and then they pay you to, um ... never mind. I don't want to ruin the surprise. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Tobias: I'm alright, gang. What an adventure gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates, but it turns out most of them were actors in the local theater. You're right, though. It is amazing, I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me ... And I think it has ... Lindsey: You're gay? Tobias: No. No ... Ha, I'm not gay. How many times must we have this conversation? Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lindsay: (regarding uncircumcised penises) I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman - let it have its ears. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot (Whispering) George Sr.: They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime. Michael: Yeah? I don't think that that's true, dad. George Sr.: Really? I've got the worst (bleep) attorneys! Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire! Lindsay: Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy -- Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate. Tobias: I haven't packed for that. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: And I'm putting Buster in charge. Gob: He's a good choice. Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land? Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show. (Shot of Alliance of Magicians) Michael: Oh, that's perfect, Gob. Gob: Thank you. Michael: Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something Dad's retiring, not turning six. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Ok, guys, um ... They are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they're going to have to put a halt on the company's expense account. (All gasp) Interesting. I would've expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail". Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: So ... this is the magic trick, huh? Gob: "Illusion," Michael. A "trick" is something a whore does for money. (Michael points out that a bunch of kids are staring at Gob with their mouths open) ... Or candy! Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Michael: Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys. Arrested Development - 101 - Pilot Lucille: Look what they've done, Michael. Look what the homosexuals have done to me. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lucille: (on the phone) Then why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich! Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Gob: I should be in charge. I m the older brother. Michael: Do you even want to be in charge? Gob: No ... but I d like to be asked! Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Narrator: Michael realized that his father had even taken control of the banana stand, but he still had some unanswered questions, so he did a little detective work. Michael: You burn down the storage unit? T-Bone: Oh, most definitely. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana T-Bone: Welcome to Bluth Bananas, where bananas are our business. May I interest you in a banana this day? Michael: T-Bone, what are you doing here? T-Bone: Oh, your dad gave me this job. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Narrator: And so, Lindsay and Maeby separately went to the same restaurant to celebrate the jobs they hadn t actually performed, with money they hadn t actually earned. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: (about Gob) So, what do you want me to do about it? Lucille: Don t take that tone. He s my son. I want you to make him stop calling me. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Maeby: We throw away a banana for every buck we take so no one finds out. T-Bone: Wait a minute. I think you should do that math again. George Michael: Why? Is it wrong? Maeby: It s fine. He s an arsonist, not an embezzler. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Tobias: First of all, I love it. Quick question, though: am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else? Roger Danish: The fire? It s ... it s a fire sale. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lucille: (about Gob) He s very upset. You haven t included him in the business at all. He s your older brother. You could find a little job for him. Make him feel special. Michael: But he s not special, Mother. Lucille: No. But he loves you. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lucille: Oh, it s probably all in a storage unit somewhere. Michael: Where s the storage unit? Lucille: I don t remember. Michael: Try. Lucille: Something-dale. I don t know -- Brookfeather, Raintree. It s hot. It was very hot there. I ve never been ... get a warrant. Michael: Don't think I won't. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Narrator: George Michael s attempt to distance himself from his cousin proved ... unsuccessful. (George Michael and Maeby are at the banana stand. Maeby dips her hand in the liquid chocolate and then licks her fingers.) George Michael: I can t tell you how many health codes you re violating right now. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: What s going on? This is exactly where the two of you were when I left this morning. Is nobody going to even try to get a job? Lindsay: I have a job, Michael. It s called "supporting my husband." Michael: You certainly haven t been shopping. The only thing I found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag. Gob: You didn t eat that, did you? Cause I ve only got a couple days left to return it. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana (Michael opens the fridge looking for something to eat, but only finds a bag labeled: Dead dove. Do not eat. ) Michael: (while looking inside the bag) I don t know what I expected. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Tobias: Okay, we are just about ass-to-ankles back here, Maeby. Do you want to hop on your cousin s lap there, please? Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: Well, I got news for you, Gob. Dad still doesn't trust me to this day. He treats me like a low level employee. Gob: It's better than being treated like the goofball... the joker... the magician (uncrosses arms dramatically and nothing happens) *pause* Michael: I thought you were gonna do, like a trick there, like the fireball or something. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: Or, even better, could you mail this letter for me? G.O.B.: You can t just give that to a mailman? Michael: I can t trust a mailman with this. This is important. Narrator: G.O.B. was intrigued. He also suspected he couldn t return a completely frozen dove to a pet store and get the full refund he felt he was entitled to. G.O.B.: I ll mail that letter. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Maeby: (seeing her mom and grandmother at the restuarant) What are they doing here? George Michael: They're adults; they're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids; we have work! Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: (to George Michael) I'm gonna give you a promotion. Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager. George Michael: Wow! I'm Mr. Manager! Michael: Well, manager. We just say manager. And you can hire an employee if you need one. George Michael: Do you think I need one? Michael: Don't look at me, Mr. Manager. George Michael: Right. It's up to me now. I'm Mr. Manager. Michael: Manager. We just say, uh -- George Michael: I know, but you just said -- Michael: Doesn't matter who. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana (About Maeby being George Michael's new employee) Michael: You stay on top of her, buddy ... Do not be afraid to ride her ... Hard. (George Michael looks petrified) Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana (George Michael is preparing to burn down the Banana Stand) T-bone the arsonist: I'm going to get blamed for this. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lucille: Luz, that coat cost more than your house. (Lucille looks at Michael) That's how we joke. She doesn't even have a house Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it. Lindsay: Ah, that's funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol. Lucille: Mine was better. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana George Sr.: I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich. Arrested Development - 102 - Top Banana Michael: So, Mom, I'm trying to find... Lucille: I don't know where they are. Michael: ...these flight records. You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster (While George Michael's making cornballs in the kitchen) Michael: I shouldn't have poked my nose into your life. George Michael: My life? Michael: I know that you're growing up. George Michael: Yeah, but, Dad, you're like the most important part of my life. Michael: (looking at the cornball) That's a little cornball. George Michael: I don't mind. Michael: I don't mind either. (Michael musses George Michael's hair and then leans his arm casually onto the edge of the cornballer) George Michael: Watch it. Michael: (as cornballer singes his arm) Mother of God! Owww! Every! Damn! Time! Owww! This is a big one! Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Tobias: I didn t get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so ... onward and upward. On ... (crying) Why, Tracy?! Why?! Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster George Michael: So, I quit the play. I don t really like plays. Also, I think your dad thinks I m gay. Maeby: Oh, he thinks everyone s gay. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Maeby: I m surprised you tried out for this. George Michael: Yeah, I just love the theater. Maeby: That s great. I m just doing it to kiss Steve Holt. George Michael: I actually think I m going to quit. Yeah, theater s dead. Maeby: But ... he s always going to be at football practice, so I m going to have to kiss the stand-in. George Michael: But no ... no. I love the theater, and I gave my word, so I m back in. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Buster: Mom dropped me off to spend time with Michael. Gob: Spend time with Michael or to serve her own menopausal needs? Michael: She s always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so that she can control everything. Buster: (chuckles) Yeah. Mom s awesome. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Steve Holt: Steve Holt! Maeby: Steve Holt! George Michael: Stand-in for ... Steve Holt? Steve Holt: Steve Holt! Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Tobias: And you tell me you ve got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me want to puke all over your head, sir. Give me a chance to tell the Bard s tale, and I give you my word on humble knee, whence you shall not say it wasn t e er to be. Teacher: Jerry, you cool with this? Jerry: Sure, let the little fruit do it. Tobias: Huzzah!! Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Gob: Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? Cause if it s business, I ll go away happily. But if it s personal, I ll go away, but I won t be happy. Michael: It s personal. Buster: I am so sorry. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Michael: I gotta say, buddy, I'm in pretty good shape! You could be eating my dust all day long! Buster: Well, you might -- (long extended BLEEP with Buster pointing excitedly)! Michael: Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Buster: It's like she gets off by being withholding. Gob: Look who's got something to say. Buster: I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I can feel good about myself. 'Cause I'm an uptight -- BLEEP -- Buster -- You old horny slut! Michael: Well, no one's gonna top that. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster George Sr.: (Regarding Buster) Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her 'miracle baby'. And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... He turned out a little soft, you know... Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Gob: And if I'm going to be staying here... Lucille: Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out? Gob: She's not "that Mexican", Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Anyway, it's over. Lucille: You've got three days. Gob: Hey... If I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster Michael: You were flying today, buddy. Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun. Lucille: You let him go in the sun? (To Buster) Get in the back seat. I'll be right out. Buster: Front seat, mom. I sit in the front seat now. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster (After yawning for a long time) Buster: (To Michael) Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we? Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster George Sr.: I never see you anymore, Michael. Michael: You're in prison. And I was here yesterday. George Sr. : Oh, yeah, that's... That's... I'm sorry. I couldn't break away from the poker game. Capital-G was down to his boxers. Michael: Strip poker? George Sr.: Yeah, and it's tough. We can really only play about... Two hands. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster (Referring to how George Michael and Maeby should do the kiss in the play) Tobias: With fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower. Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster (Buster is jumping and falling all over the place trying to catch a bird that flew into the house) Lucille: Buster! Buster: It's a bird! Lucille: I know it's a bird. I'm on the phone! Buster: It walked on my pillow! Arrested Development - 103 - Bringing Up Buster (Referring to the cornballer machine the family still has) Lucille: Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Michael: Look, I'm trying to get development started. I've got six guys on bulldozers waiting to get underway. Lindsay: Well, what about the trees? Michael: Oh, we're just gonna cover them with blankets ... I'm ripping 'em out. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Surgeon: Looks like the shiv would have done some real damage if it hadn t been for this. It was in your lower intestine. (Surgeon shows Gob the key) Gob: So close. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: You've got nothing to worry about. We're going to be together for a long time. Marta: We're a family now. I am so happy. I'm going to call the kids. Gob: (to himself after Marta leaves) I've made a huge mistake. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Buster: Has your hair always been that pointy, Miss Austero? Lucille 2: It s Lucille. Buster: Right, right. That s my mom s name. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: I m a complete failure. George, Sr.: Where d you get that kind of talk? Gob: From you. You always say that about me. George, Sr.: Well, maybe you re not entirely to blame. I haven t always been the best kind of father either. Gob: Dad, you ve done a pretty good job of being a father to everybody in here. What have they got that I don t? I mean, you ve never even ... thrown a ball around with me. George, Sr.: Great. Now, you re an athlete. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille: Buster s out of control! Michael: What, another panic attack? Buster: Me? No. She s just wigged out because I have a girlfriend. Lucille: A waiter hands him a note, suddenly he s Steve McQueen. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions George Michael: You know, I can see why your mom likes it. It is a really nice tree ... Maeby: We ve got to get it torn down. George Michael: ... That must die. Stupid tree. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: Is there a private bathroom nearby? George, Sr.: You're looking at it. (taps the commode between the bunks) Gob: No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy. I can't pass this key without privacy. George, Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh ... you know, they've been locking the doors lately. I don't know. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Michael: Marta. Hey ... I m sorry. You really deserved to win in there ... Did you win? I don t speak Spanish. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille 2: Lucille? Lucille! Aren t you something? Showing up here without your husband. Shame be damned. Caution to the wind. Lucille: That s so sweet, darling. I m here to support you. You re the one who s all alone and likely to stay that way. My husband s just a phone call away. Lucille 2: That s one call per day, isn t it? Gee, I should think he d want to save that for his lawyer. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lindsay: Look, I m an activist, too, and I appreciate what you re doing for the environment. But we re not the only ones who destroy trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist. Why don t you go out and club some beavers? Johnny Bark: You don t really get nature, do you? Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Marta: I just couldn t find my keys. Michael: Well, my brother may have eaten them. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions George, Sr.: Keep your arm up. That's how you get accuracy. Gob: I thought you said throwing the ball against the garage door by yourself was how you got accuracy. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: Then I pass the key, bust out of prison, and into magic history. Of course, that is going to conflict with my going to the Desis with Marta. Michael: Well, life s a compromise. I probably would have taken her to the nice event, but prison will be fun, too. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Warden: You really think you can break out of my prison? G.O.B.: You won t even know I was here. Narrator: The warden was intrigued. Less about the stunt, and more about the prison beatings this brash magician was sure to receive. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: I, too, have an announcement to make. To prove that no prison can hold me, I will incarcerate myself in the penitentiary that holds my own father, only to escape 24 hours later. No shackles can hold these hands. (to Marta) Say that to them in Spanish. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Michael: A family. Nothing else matters. Lucille: Michael? Michael: It s Mom. Hide. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Michael: Gob, you ve found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: You re looking at a desperate man, Michael. Michael: Do you need money? G.O.B.: What I need is freedom. Marta is being interviewed today on TV about her show "El Amor Prohibido". I mean, it s bad enough that I gotta go to the awards show tomorrow night. Today, I gotta stand next to her like I m Rita Wilson. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Gob: Where am I? Am I still in prison? Lucille: You're in the hospital. Gob: (weakly) Ta-daa ... Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lindsay: Oh, I m up here, Mike. And I m not coming down. I m going to save this tree, no matter what it takes! Michael: Okay. I ll see you when you realize what that bucket s for. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille: He's a beautiful boy...they don't appreciate him. It's his glasses...they make him look like a lizard...plus he's self-conscious. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions White Power Bill: (as he's stabbing Gob) White power! Gob: (gasping) I'm ... white. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Buster: That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that brownish area by its points, and you don't let go no matter what your mom says. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille: (about Buster's new girlfriend) He doesn't even know what she looks like. Buster: I know she's a brownish area ... with points. And I know I love her! Lucille: I'm calling Dr. Miller. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Michael: Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we're going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lindsay: I care deeply for nature. Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots. Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Narrator: And Lucille was mingling with the elite of the Latino Television Academy. Lucille: Can I get a vodka tonic, please? I'd like a vodka tonic, please. Vodka tonic, please. A sea of waiters, and no one will take a drink order. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille: I'll be in the hospital bar. Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother. Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lucille: When's the last time you went on a date? Michael: I just haven't met anybody who's not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with. Lucille: If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lindsay: Get out of our f***ing tree. Arrested Development - 104 - Key Decisions Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest? Michael: Oh, I'll never forget your wedding. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive George Michael: Save yourself. I ll take the hit. My record s clean. Well, I got my bike seat stolen once, but I don t think it counts on your record if you re the victim. I mean, there is a record, but it s not like -- Maeby: Yeah, thanks. I ll take the rap next time we do something like this, okay? Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive George Michael: What are you doing? We re supposed to put the form in the wrong file. Maeby: I know. I m just leaving my calling card. George Michael: I thought we didn t want anyone to know we were here. Maeby: Well, it s a little late for that. Our fingerprints are everywhere. George Michael: But you said they weren t gonna check for fingerprints. Maeby: No, I said don t wear your mittens. I didn t want you to look stupid on the security cameras. George Michael: There s a security camera? Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Gob: All right, take this lock-pick, break into the permit office for me. George Michael: I think I d better check with my dad first. Maeby: You re going to break into a permit office? Sweet. Can I come? Narrator: And George Michael saw a chance to get closer to Maeby. George Michael: You know, my dad hates to micromanage. Let s just do this. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lindsay: (to a Taxi Driver) I don t know if that smell is you, the car, something you ate, or something you re about to eat, but my God, you re in a service business. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: Gob, can I talk to you for a sec? Listen, um ... I m really sorry about before. I said some things, and I got a little carried away. It s not the way you re supposed to treat a brother. Especially one that I value so highly. Oh, I need a favor. Gob: That was subtle. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: Hey, Busty, have you been using Dad s car? Buster: No ... Well, yes. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lucille: (to Lucille 2) I got you tickets to "The Producers". I already saw it in New York. But that s of no use to a woman whose vertigo makes flying a grotesque misadventure. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lucille: Don t you judge me. You re the selfish one. You re the one who charged his own brother for a Bluth frozen banana. I mean, it s one banana, Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars? Michael: You ve never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you? Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lucille: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That s Lupe, her sister. Michael: I hope she s okay. Lucille: She s awful. Can barely wash a dish. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lindsay: What car? I don't know what you re talking about. Michael: Dad's car. The one you didn't tell me that you had, even though I had to ride my bicycle to work all week. Lindsay: Oh, Dad's car. Well, obviously, I m going to use it if it s an emergency. Narrator: Lindsay had such an emergency three days earlier when her salon was able to squeeze her in at the last moment. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: Hey, I can t believe you. I asked you two weeks ago whether we should use Dad s car, and you said it would be bad form. Now, I hear you're driving it! Gob: That is a lie. A bald-faced lie. Narrator: Gob was lying. He had been driving his father s car. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: (on the phone with Lindsay, after he had said she was uncharitable) Hello? Lindsay: I'm in the wetlands. I've got a poker thing and I'm going to clean them up. So, the next time you wanna tell me that I'm uncharitable, why don't you just ask yourself, who called you from the wetlands? Michael: Who is this? Lindsay: Nice try. You're the selfish one. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some nature to save. (Lindsay hits the ground with her 'poker', and a frog makes a croaking sound) Lindsay: (Lindsay gasps) AAAAH! Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Gob: But I'll tell you what. If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character, I'll sign off on that. 'Mr. Banana Grabber' or something. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight. Lindsay: The wetlands. Michael: To do what with them? Lindsay: Dry them. Michael: Save them. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive George Sr.: I'm under a lot of pressure here. I'm trying to get my newsletter off the ground. I'm trying to decide which gang to align myself with. Michael: Is it pledge week already? George Sr.: I've got it down to two. But honestly, I don't even want to choose. I just feel... I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive Michael: I mean, I guess it would just be a guy who you know, grabs bananas and runs. Or, um, a banana that grabs things. I don't know why. Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don't want to answer. Arrested Development - 105 - Charity Drive (Michael asks the woman he thinks is Lucille's housekeeper where she is going) Woman: Yo ... Scared-o. Michael: Izquierdo ... I know that word. Left turn it is, missus! Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Buster: It s a bird! Lucille: I know it s a bird. I m on the phone! Buster: It walked on my pillow! Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Tobias: Now, take my daughter, for example. She lives her life, and ... I get the pleasure of guessing what that might entail. Now ... watch this: Maeby! Where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? She won t tell me. Maeby: I m going to audition for a play. Tobias: Well, that time it didn t work. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Lindsay: Oh, yeah, don t worry about it. I paid for it myself. Michael: With what? Lindsay: Company credit card. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours George Michael: My bike needs a tune-up or something. Michael: Let s not blame the bike. Okay? It s a poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools ... Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Kitty: Your wife's on line one. Narrator: Michael's wife had been dead for two years. Michael: My what? Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake. Kitty: I said, 'your wife is on line one.' Narrator: But not immediately. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Lucille: (to a waiter) Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Kitty: Gob? I wish I would have know you were coming. I am a mess. Gob: Don't know if a call from me would've changed that. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up. Kitty: Let me turn the lights off. Gob: Yes, yes, please. Kitty: How's that? Is that better? Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours George Sr.: I haven't had sex in a month. Michael: You know, you've been here two months. (Pause) George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time. Michael: Yeah. I'll bet. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Gob: I *bleep* Kitty! Michael: Oh, Gob! I just wanted you to get the information. Gob: I got the information. Michael: You did, huh? About the international accounts? Gob: Oh, I see what you're getting at. No, I didn't get any information. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Dr. Gunty: I'm no David Schwimmer, and you're no Jennifer Aniston! Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Tobias: Ok, kids. Mommy and daddy are going out for ice cream. Maeby: Can we come? Lindsay: Sorry, it's not for kids. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours George Michael: Ok ... So, why are we doing this? Maeby: 'Cause it's obvious they're lying. Come on, drive! George Michael: Well, what if they see us? Maeby: How are they going to see us? George Michael: Well, it says "Bluth Company" right on the side, plus it's a stairway. That's gonna catch the eye. Arrested Development - 106 - Visiting Ours Kitty: Do you like my outfit? Gob: Not as much as I like what's underneath it. Kitty: Gob! Gob: No, I need your chair. Get up. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: How d it go? Michael: Well, the bad news is you re in debt again, and we never busted Mom, and we re stuck with Barry. Lindsay: Mm. Michael: The good news is we ve been asked never to participate in the pageant again. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust George, Sr.: Thank you. Thank you for coming down on Christmas Eve. Barry: Oh, it s like any other day, except that I bill double. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Maeby: I don t think you re a monster. Lucille: And I think you re a lovely girl. You know what? I think you and I ought to spend more time together. Maeby: Yeah. And that ll drive them crazy. Lucille: Exactly. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Maeby: You ever get the feeling like you don t even matter? Lucille: Only when I m around my children. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: Dad, you re not going to outrun me in that dress! George, Sr.: Come on. Michael, let go! Michael: Dad! George, Sr.: For God s sake, I m not even wearing a jock. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car. Michael: Guy s a pro. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Monti: You know, I saw you do this when I was a kid. I was so impressed, you know. You were so still and god-like. You know, it was at that moment that I knew I would be a dancer. George, Sr.: Glad I could make a difference. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lucille 2: You ready to show me off before God and the whole world? Buster: Well, it s not my Dad s reaction I m worried about. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: Excuse me, Wayne, my sister and I were outside having a business discussion, and we were wondering if there s some sort of legal way that we can humiliate our mother? Something shaming, something public. Wayne Jarvis: I ve used one adjective to describe myself. What is it? Michael: Professional. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lucille: What are you doing here? Gob: I had to get away from Marta. Ugh. If I have to smell another meal of fish, rice and mango, I m going to kill somebody. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: Oh, um ... there s a big bowl of candy in my office. Why don t you go eat it? Wayne Jarvis: Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Wayne Jarvis: If you retain my services, I will get your father out of jail, and we will be counter suing before the end of the year. We re going to get this company s name back to where it started. Michael: Or hopefully higher. Wayne Jarvis: I didn t say that. Don t hold me to that. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Wayne Jarvis: Well, I m a professional. I am serious, and I m a professional. Michael: That s fantastic. So, how long have you been ...? Wayne Jarvis: I also don t like small talk. Michael: No? Wayne Jarvis: I find that unprofessional. Michael: Mm-hmm. Wayne Jarvis: Why should I be billing you for small talk when I m enjoying it as much as you are? Michael: Then, this must be a freebie cause I m having a ball. Wayne Jarvis: (chuckles) When you re ready to get serious, give me a call. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Tobias: Oh, give me the suit. Give me the suit. George Michael: I m actually wearing it right now, but I can t tell you why. Tobias: You re wearing it right now? George Michael: I have to wear it all the time. You ... you d never understand. Tobias: Oh, please, I ll never un ...? I ll never understand? That you can never be nude? I understand more than you ll ... never know. George Michael: Yikes. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Maeby: You ever get the feeling like no one even sees you? George Michael: I ve got a really good body, so ... No. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust George Michael: (counting pushups) 100. Maeby: 100? I had you at ten. George Michael: I did some earlier in the day. It s a running total. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: I love Marta. Lindsay: Mom s housekeeper? Michael: Gob s girlfriend. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: He s a never-nude. Michael: Is that exactly what it sounds like? Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: She s always trying to get me to admit that my marriage isn t working. Michael: So, how s it going with you and Tobias? Lindsay: It s not working. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: You gotta remember. Mom typically has nothing in her system except a bottle of vodka and an estrogen pill. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: Yeah. So did I. And now I hear you re telling our mother that I m completely irresponsible and a stay-in-bed mom? Michael: That doesn t even sound like me. That sounds like Mom. Or Bruce Vilanch. Could be Bruce Vilanch. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: No, Michael, I don t just sleep all day. Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Michael: Yeah, it s Michael Bluth for Barry. Barry: (whispering) I m not here. James Alan Spangler: Uh, Barry s not here. Can I give her a message? Michael: Yeah. Tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time. And I m not paying for this phone call. Barry: I am not a girl, you ... James Alan Spangler: Go on. Call me something. I m redoing my kitchen. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Buster: Look, I don t want to go through a whole song and dance with you. You re going to love it. You just can t do anything that violates the original painting, like giggling or itching. They do allow some nervous crying, but you can tell they don t like it. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Gob: Well, if it isn t the boy who lives under the stairs. Michael: Hey, Gob. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Marta: Te quiero. Gob: English, please. Marta: I love you. Gob: Great. Now I m late. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: Fine. I ll ask Michael. He ll give it to me. Lucille: Well, maybe if you get him drunk. It s the only way he ll give money to someone who calls his stay-in-bed-mom... Lindsay: He said that about me? Lucille: I know it was harsh, but, you know, he thinks you re completely irresponsible. A stay-in-bed mom. Probably because you don t work, and you re lazy. Oh ... his words. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lucille: Lupe, there are some juice glasses on the sofa table. Lindsay: Oh, Mama, I ll help you clean up. (to Lupe) There are some salad plates on the piano. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lindsay: Maeby, where have you been? Maeby: You left me at home. You do remember you have a daughter, right? Tobias: Uh, yes. Uh, of course we remember, and we were worried sick, young lady. She s fine. Our daughter is all right. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Tobias: I would be happy to play Adam. Uh, I d prefer a speaking part. Lindsay: Please don t speak for the rest of the meeting. Tobias: Zing! Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Buster: I don t really want to be Adam this year. Barry: Well, if you want to play Eve, you got to get in line behind what, above five homos. That was wrong. I-I am so sorry. It s just that I have one down at the office now, and I mean it is every day. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Barry: I do have some big news. It s going to cost you a little money. $20,000. Something like that. The courts have agreed to let your father ... out of prison. Lucille: This is a lawyer. Buster: He s a master. Barry: For the entire afternoon. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Barry: How long was I on the phone? Michael: 25 minutes. Barry: Well, you know, with the cell phone charges, I could have rounded it out to about an hour cause it s easier to bill. All right. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust (The audience notices God (George Sr.) is missing from the living painting) First Woman in Audience: Where is God? Second Woman in Audience: There is no God. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Barry: Are all the guys in here ... you know? George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them. Barry: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope. George Sr.: Hope? Barry: Think. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Gob: Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons, the lawyer... If you're heading for Portugal it's due south. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket. But Gob did... Gob: Portugal? Narrator: ...Which confirmed his suspicions. Gob: Gonna live it up down old South America way, huh Mikey? Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Maeby: Ok. So, I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer. If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America. George Michael: That says Portugal. Maeby: That's right. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Barry Zuckerkorn: (to Lucille) What are you doing? Pilates? Because no forty year-old woman should look like that. Michael: Well, no forty year-old woman does look like that. Arrested Development - 107 - In God We Trust Lucille: Oh, what'd she do, get you drunk? Michael: No, we just, uh, well ... We we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that? Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, 'He will if I get him drunk'. Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh ... Her words. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille 2: Excuse me, but I thought my AARP card was good for one and a guest. Buster: Hey, you know what? I knew that society would never accept this, and they never will. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Gob: I was halfway to South America, but I couldn t let you get away with it because we re brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other. Michael: You were going to South America? Gob: I don t think so. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Gob: There s no way that you were trying to hurt me. You don t hate me. Mom hates me. You kind of like me. Michael: Yeah, I kind of like you. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Gob: Turn this skiff around. Captain: We haven t even left the dock. Gob: But skiff is appropriate, right? Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Gob, the accident only happened because I was trying to scare you. Maybe even hurt you. G.O.B.: That doesn t sound like you. It sounds like Mom. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Buster: I just jumped through a plate glass window on a date. Michael: Oh. Well, women love to laugh. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Totally cool. Didn t feel a thing. You know, Mom, I m crazy about this aspirin. Can t believe we give it to children. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille 2: Buster, do you remember when we were kissing last night? Buster: It was a wild, wild ride. But is this something we can do? Is this something society will allow? Lucille 2: I don t care what other people think. My God, for the first time in years, I felt like I was standing on solid ground. Buster: You know, my panic attacks have decreased. I feel confident. I m feeling proud even. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: You know, Mom, I m sorry you re upset, but, you know, if you were nicer then maybe your kids would take better care of you, you know? Or want to be with you more. Lucille: I ve been a horrible mother. Michael: No, Mom, you re great. You ve been a great mother. Gob: Well, you know she s been a horrible mother, right? Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Where the (bleep) was everybody? Gob: What are you talking about? Michael: Mom s party. Where were you guys? Gob: It s the first I ve heard about it. Michael: What about you? Neiman s? Lindsay: Prison. Then Neiman s. But only because I m going back to prison, and they ve already seen me in this. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: Where on earth are we going? Left at the next corner. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Movie voice over: It was a love between two cousins that the world thought was wrong, but it was the world that was wrong ... George Michael: (to Maeby) We have got to see this movie. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lindsay: It would just give Dad one more reason to think that I ve got nothing to offer but my looks. Gob: Yeah, I got some of that. Except he also didn t like my looks. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Gob: Well, they got the Asian right. Hotties might be a stretch. Well, let s start with the little one. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: My neighbor, Lucille Austero, is constantly throwing parties for herself. She s having another one in a week. Buster: I m not going to that. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Actually my head does not hurt at all. What did you give me? Doctor: Your mother asked me to pump you full of ... Lucille: Children's aspirin. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Buster: I've already got a Lucille in my life. Lucille 2: I understand ... That's healthy. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: She went from giddy to devastated. I mean, it would have been funnier if it wasn't so ... no, it was kind of funny. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person and it's technically a spree. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Maeby: We don't have to go, do we? Michael: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration ... It's no place for children Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: You're my third least favorite child. Michael: I can live with that. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: Oh, here comes the 10:15 conniption, right on time. Honest to God, Buster, it's like every little thing makes you seize up in terror lately. I just have no idea where you get that from. Get away from that stove. You're going to light your hair on fire. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: Buster, what's going on? What happened to your head? Buster: Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands. Lindsay: What? George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse. Lindsay: Stabbed? George Sr.: In a way. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car George Michael: I, uh ... need you to make some fake IDs for me and Maeby. Gob: Like a passport? George Michael: Yeah, yeah, that would be great. Oh, and, uh, preferably French. I like the way they think. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lucille: It's an idiot on a scooter at night. It's got to be Gob. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Buster: Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you? Michael: Yeah. Buster: Because I really like Mom. Michael: We know. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Lindsay: I mean, it's always been "Michael's got the brains, Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the ..." George Sr.: High-fastening pants. Lindsay: You said that? George Sr.: No, I'm saying that now. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: I can't believe she got that driver's license renewed. Gob: She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking "albino" in the form. Arrested Development - 108 - My Mother The Car Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities? Lucille: Like it was yesterday. Michael: It was this morning, and now I hear that you've hired a crew for the yacht? I'm selling that yacht. Lucille: Michael, you haven't heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday. Michael: I enjoy a bicentennial as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.